An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for some Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no
problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex; I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
One day a jelly baby went to the doctor and asked for an Aids test.
The doctor said, "don't be silly, why on earth would you need an Aids test?"The Jelly baby replied, "Because I've been sleeping with allsorts."
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously answered this question before. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied,
"How about a little head?"
4 nuns waiting to go in heaven, St Peter asks the 1st if she's ever touched a penis. "Yes once when I was a nurse I had to shave a man". "Fine" said St Peter "wash your hand in the holy water and you may enter." The second nun said she had touched one while looking after a priest who was bed ridden and had to wash it. Again he told her to wash in the holy water and she can enter heaven. With that the 4th nun pushed in front of the 3rd and said, "If you think I'm gargling with that after she's sat in it you've got another think coming."
This man was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp (what a surprise). He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out (ohh,another big surprise). The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes. "First," the man began, "I'd like a million dollars." POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his check book balance. "Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes." POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him. "Third," the man smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
A man found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it. A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The man thought and thought, and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." "As you wish," the genie replied. So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.
A gang-member was holding his eight-month old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother".. Our guy gets all excited and hollers to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
This man is at the supermarket and after buying a few things he begins to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15mins in the line he reached the checkout girl, and just at that moment he remembers that he needs some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl, "I meant to buy some condoms but forgot," to which she replies, "Do you know what size you are?" "No." The girl then said, "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are." The man then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone, "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please." He pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him, he pays his bill, and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says, "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please." The condoms are then brought to him, he pays the bill, and goes on his way. Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says, "I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot," and the girl replies, "Do you know what size you are?" He answers "Nope," and she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone, "Mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
