A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants." WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find blood anywhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he had just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she says. "I did," he says. "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
A new group of first graders were in class for the first time. The teacher told them, "You are in first grade now and we do not talk baby talk' in my classroom. When I point to you, stand, tell me your name, and something you did this summer." The first child stood, "My name is Jackie, I visited my Nanny." The teacher said "That's great, but from now on we will say grandmother. There is no 'baby talk' in the first grade." The second child stood, "My name is Regina. I rode a choo choo this summer." The teacher replied, "That's good, but from now on we will say train. Remember, no 'baby talk' in first grade." The third child stood, "My name is Frank and I read a book this summer." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful Frank! What book did you read?"
The little boy very proudly replied, "Winnie the Shit."
A man & woman were driving along having a furious row when the woman pulls a knife, cuts off his penis & throws it out the window. Well It hits the screen of a car with a man & his little girl in it. As it slides down the screen & onto the bonnet, the little girl asks, "what was that daddy?" The man,not wanting to say what it really was tells her it was a bug. " Christ did you see the size of the dick on that" replies the little girl.
Q: Why did the suicidal person cross the road?
A: Because he missed all the cars.
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? He asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of me." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
