A man goes into a bar with a monkey. The monkey starts running around out of control, jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball. Well the landlord gets really angry and tries to throw them out. The man apologises saying it will never happen again and pays for the damage. The next night they go back into the bar and the monkey starts taking the bar food and puts a peanut up his bum then eats it, he then puts an olive up his bum and eats it and so on. The landlord has a go and says the monkey is putting off his customers, what the hell is he doing. The man explains that since he ate the cue ball he measures everything before he eats it.
Two whales were swimming in the sea, when they saw a big ship on the horizon. The little whale said “that’s the ship that killed my mum.” The big whale said “let’s swim over and sink it.” They swam under the ship and blew through their blow holes making the sea so rough that the ship rolled over and all the sailors fell into the water. They swam to the surface and the big whale suggested eating the sailors. The little whale declined, saying “I can handle a blow job, but not a mouth full of seamen.”
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the man in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the man in the back shouted, "The zip is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The man in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Q. Where would you find a duck with no legs?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A. A zebra!
Q. What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A. A happy pit bull.
Q. What's pink and hard?
A. A pig with a flick knife.
Q. What do you call a bear with no paw?
A. Rupert the bastard.
Q. What do you call some bears with no ears?
A. B.
Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer
A. Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Q. Why don't blind people sky-dive?
A. Because it scares their dogs.
Q. What's green and hard?
A. A frog with tattoos.
Q. What do you call a dog with 4" legs and 6" steel balls?
A. Sparky.
Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A. A prick that stays up all night.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. What's big, red, and slimy?
A. An inside-out elephant.
Q. Why do elephants have big ears?
A. Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Q. What do you call an elephant's tampon?
A. A sheep.
Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because sheep don't have strings.
